There’s Something Fishy About the Summer Solstice

Yesterday, June 20th, was the first day of summer. Officially it was at 11:24pm, Central Standard Time, where I live. If you live much east of here, it was this morning, on June 21st.

Traditionally, in the Christian world, it marks the birthday of John the baptist, although it is usually celebrated a few days later, depending on when the solstice actually occurs. It’s six months later than the birth of his cousin Jesus, whose birthday is celebrated a few days after the winter solstice.

When Jesus went to John to be baptized, John said, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30), which is to say that, after Jesus is born, days get longer, after John is born, days get shorter. Jesus, after all, has all the attributes of many pagan sun gods.

Christianity is notorious for having adapted much of pagan mythology, holidays, customs, well, really, nearly all of paganism into Christianity. Twelve Greek gods, twelve apostles, all the same holidays, Churches built on top of the foundations of pagan temples, the which were torn down by Christian monks: the list is near endless. So, from whence was John the baptist derived?

The answer is in the etymology of his name. John comes from the Latin Johannes, which comes from the Greek Ioannes, which in Hebrew is Yohanon, all of which comes from Oannes. Oannes was the Mesopotamian god of water and wisdom, whose worship included baptism. Oannes was depicted as half man and half fish and was also known as Dagon. The odd hat called a miter, worn by Christian cardinals, is a stylized fish head, and was worn by the priests of Dagon.

So, Jesus, the sun god, is baptized by Oannes, the water god. The great mythologist, Joseph Campbell wrote,” Several scholars have suggested, therefore, that there was never either John or Jesus, but only a water-god and a sun-god.”

So let’s honor both today, both sun and water. Get out your sprinklers, your super soakers, your slip n’ slides! Fill up some water balloons and baptize your neighbors!

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:


For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Solar Flares Are Electrifying

Solar flares make for pretty Northern lights. And Southern lights. The bigger the flare, the bigger the lights. The flare has to be aimed, and timed, just right, though, to hit the earth.

A British amateur astronomer, Richard Carrington, was the first one to observe a solar flare, back on September 1st, 1859. Actually, another British amateur astronomer, one Richard Hodgson, saw it at the same time, but somehow Carrington got first dibs on it. The Carrington Event was named after him.

What was the Carrington event, you might well ask? Well, that flare came at us with a major rider attached to it, a huge coronal mass ejection that hit us 17.6 hours later. Coronal mass ejections are mainly composed of electrons and protons. Since those electrons and protons have, respectively, negative and positive charges, they wreak havoc on our magnetic field, making it surge stronger and weaker, back and forth, across the planet. The earth’s magnetic field twerks, as it were, the twerking continuing for as long as it takes for the mass of particles to go by.

Now, we all remember our basic high school physics, don’t we? What happens when you wiggle a magnetic field around an electrical conductor? Well? Don’t we? Do I hear crickets chirping?

Telegraph operators around the world, back in 1859, had a direct experience of what happens when a magnetic field twerks around a copper telegraph network. Electricity is generated. Sparks were reported flying off the key onto the operator’s hand, some getting burns from the shock. Sparks flew off insulators on the telegraph poles. Operators disconnected the batteries that powered the lines but were still able to key in messages using the induced current. Some wires melted.

There’s plenty of evidence that such things have hit the earth in the past, relevantly frequently, geologically speaking.

Here’s a hypothetical, quasi question: What effect would a Carrington scale coronal mass ejection have today? The answer is not at all hypothetical or quasi. It would blow out most of our satellites, electricity grid, cell phone network, radios, TV’s, cellphones, computers, anything with an electrical conductor in it could be toasted, even your toaster.

Need we worry? Surely, knowing that such things are likely to happen, our engineers, our governing bodies, our corporate masters, have more than adequately prepared things to get us up and running, toot suite. You know, an adequate supply of back up electricity transformers and such, emergency plans, and similar reasonable precautions, like putting our electrical grid underground and shielded?

Perhaps, in a happier alternate reality, our leaders have done so. But not in this timeline. When the next big coronal mass ejection hits us, it will be, as my college buddy Weird Ward would say, “Toot-toot-kablooie!”

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

The Junk Room, Part One

Back in the mid-1960’s, my family lived in a house that we knew was haunted. It was an old farmhouse in the middle of town, built sometime before 1900. There were two floors, a basement, and an attic.

There were five of us siblings. Three of us slept in first floor rooms.

The second floor had two bedrooms, one large, where one of my brothers and I slept, and a very small one, which we called the junk room. There were five us siblings and we never threw out any toys. They were kept in the junk room.

When indoors, we frequently played in the large bedroom. We occasionally heard footsteps in the attic, at night, pacing from one end of the house to the other. We would then rapidly adjourn down the stairs to the living room where our parents would declare us to be, and I quote, “Nuts”. This happened a number of times. We lost count of the total.

One day, we were ordered to clean up the junk room and sort all the toys into new cardboard boxes. I say new boxes, but they were obtained from the alley behind the main street stores. The clean up was accomplished rapidly, which was understandable if you knew our mother. The room was very tidy. Our mother was pleased.

Here’s a side note on the junk room: It was always cooler than the rest of the house, except for the basement. We would not go into the junk room at night, alone. The closet was terrifying. Its door would not stay closed but never swung open while anyone was in the room. The junk room door had a separate lock, on the outside of the door. It appeared to be original to the house. We kids kept that door locked when we were not in that room. We often wondered why that door needed a lock on the outside.

One night a few days later, my older brother and my sister were playing “Sorry” in the large bedroom. They suddenly came screaming down the stairs into the living room claiming that somebody was in the junk room, apparently trashing the room. My dad grabbed a baseball bat and went up the stairs, with the rest of the family a reasonable distance behind.

The junk room door was still locked. He opened it, turned the light on, and declared that, and I quote, “You two kids are full of shit. There’s no one in here and the windows are closed and locked.” He continued, “Weren’t you kids supposed to clean this place up? We got you new boxes.”

The room was trashed. Toys were everywhere, but not broken. The boxes were empty and half ruined. The closet door was ominously open. Our mother did not say a word in our defense. She said she did not believe in ghosts.

A good twenty years later she admitted that she thought the house was haunted, too.

First shared in the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

The Woo Hypothesis

There has been a lot of discussion, off and on, more on than off lately, about Sasquatch and portals, Sasquatch and cloaking, and Sasquatch associated with other paranormal phenomena. Many of us in the Bigfoot community are using the term “woo”, when discussing this sort thing.

Now, I am, by my nature, not argumentative. I always assume, as a working hypothesis, that people who have observed, and reported, Sasquatch engaging in paranormal activities, or woo, are not lying about their observations, until proven otherwise.

Allow me to interject here that I think that there are almost certainly several species of unidentified, upright walking apes, related to all us other apes, running about the planet.

I will now present my hypothesis concerning areas where Sasquatch have been exhibiting “woo”. The hypothesis is: these places have a bad case of the fairies.

Yes, fairies, beings like the sylphs, naiads, and dryads of Greek mythology, the lower order devas of Hinduism, or the Djinn of Arabia. Sometimes, these days, they are called nature spirits. The Celts called them the Good Folk, the Gentry, the sidhe, as in the bann sidhe and pict sidhe. Or, more specifically in this case, pookas, the shape shifting fairy of Irish legend. Pookas lead people astray, as is illustrated in the stage play Harvey.

Elwood P. Dowd, the lead character in Harvey, is led astray from his successful career in the world of banking after he encounters Harvey, a six foot three and a half inch tall upright walking rabbit. Harvey talks Elwood into leaving banking and, instead, spending his day socializing with the lower classes in a local bar. Certain recent revelations, coming from the woo side of Bigfootery, suggest that American pookas are practicing their guile on this continent right now.

Every older culture, all over the world, has stories about non-physical entities that can delude humans and, sometimes, manifest a see-able form, make audible noises, produce smell-able odors, induce emotions in the observer, and generally make things go bump in the night.

John Keel proposed that such entities are hostile to humans and come from some other dimension, with naughty intentions. I think they are perfectly natural entities that occasionally like to flabbergast us. The form they assume is taken from our minds and the current surrounding culture, as are their actions. Which is why much of what they do is inexplicable.

I, personally, have occasionally run into some of these buggers, a subject which I have elaborated upon in other quasi-theories.

Now, where do these creatures come from? I think they come from wherever sub-atomic particles pop out from and disappear back to, where photons that are quantum entangled talk to each other. They come from a higher order Riemannian phase space, of which our world is a multiply connected subset, in other words, the Astral plane.

That said, any of these beings that have time to waste dorking about with us humans are of a low order and not very bright. Some of them are quite territorial and radiate anger and hostility. I chased one around in a basement of an old house once. They back off when confronted.

They don’t do portals, as such, but they can sure make you see one, along with demons, guardian ewoks, appear as mind speaking Forest People, or what have you.

So, in conclusion, if the Bigfoot you are seeing comes from a portal, that ain’t a Bigfoot, it’s a bloody fairy!

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:





May Day, May Day

Who all celebrates May Day? Well, socialist and communists for starters. They commemorate what is known as the Haymarket Massacre, or Riot, and/or also Affair, which started out as a worker’s parade protesting the killing of workers striking for an eight hour work day, by the Chicago police, on May 3rd, 1886, the day before the riot. An anarchist threw a stick of dynamite at the police, who were breaking up the protest, killing seven officers. The remaining officers then opened fire on the protesters, killing 4 and wounding dozens more.

But that’s not what this quasi is about.

This quasi is about a pole with a knob on the end, the May Pole. It is about young maidens dancing in circles around the pole, festooning it with ribbons, starting with the knob at the top of the erect pole and ending at the bottom. It is about the Greek goddess, Chloris, after whom chlorophyll is named, and her Roman equivalent, Flora, after whom flowers are named. She’s the goddess of flowers and spring, and her festival ran from April 28th to May 3rd, and was called the Floralia.

The Floralia was celebrated with, to quote Wikipedia, “…five days of farces and mimes were enacted – ithyphallic, and including nudity when called for…”.

Ithyphallic, now there’s a word for you. Ithyphallic farces and mimes, farces and mimes enacted with phallic symbols, that is to say, enacted with poles with knobs on the end.

Later, in the year 870 of the common era, on May 1st, Pope Adrian II, in the common mode of Christian practice, scarfed up this joyful spring fertility festival from the pagans, and canonized an otherwise obscure English missionary nun. Her name was Walpurga, and Adrian made May 1st her day.

St. Walpurga… now why does that sound familiar? Let’s see, St. Walpurga’s day must be preceded by St. Walpurga’s eve, of course. Aha! Walpurgis night! One of the major nights that witches worship Satan! It’s also the Celtic Eve of Beltane. Beltane, one of the most holy days in the Druidic year! Anything pre-Christian had to be the devil’s work, so holy it up by reworking it into a Christian holiday.

But be sure to retain the pagan symbols, such as poles with knobs on the end.

Hans Brinker, or The Silver Skates

No, this is not a book review of Mary Mapes Dodge’s classic children’s novel about a Dutch lad who desperately wants to win an ice skating race on the frozen canals of Holland, the grand prize being a pair of silver bladed ice skates. She wrote it in 1865 but the story takes place sometime before 1850, in the winter of some otherwise unspecified year. The reader is left to surmise the actual year of the race, as well as whether or not the prize skates are intended for real use, or are merely a trophy to be hung above the mantle piece.

Continuing the reader’s surmisations, he, or she, may, again, well surmise that the skates, having silver blades, and presumably silver mounting hardware as well, would bend when put to real use on real ice, and that the blades themselves would dull up quite quickly.

An astute modern reader would also be puzzled that the famous canals of Holland actual froze enough for ice skating. They hardly ever get a thin coat of ice, let alone freeze thick enough to support large numbers of ice skaters. They froze that thick in 2012, but that year was exceptionally cold in Western Europe. They froze hard all the time back in the 1800’s, though.

They froze hard from around 1350 all the way to the late 1800’s. They did that because much of the northern hemisphere was in the Little Ice Age. It didn’t get cold enough to get the glaciers all going again, but it was a hard time for half the planet.

From around 950 to 1250 we had the Medieval Warm Period. It was warm enough that the Vikings colonized Greenland, which is not particularly green these days.

It was also wetter, especially in the desert regions of the United States. That’s when the Anasazi and the cliff dwellers flourished. The Mound Builder culture covered most of the Midwest, covering much of the Mississippi valley, and all the rivers draining into it. Their trade routes ran from the east coast to possibly the west coast and all the way down into Mexico. Artifacts, found in Mound Builder archaeological sites that originated from all over the continent.

When the Little Ice Age started around 1250, kicking in more strongly by 1350, the Mound Builder culture collapsed. The Mayan culture collapsed. The Anasazi disappeared. Bad, wet, cold winters and cold summers destroyed much of Europe’s agriculture. The Black Death plague killed hundreds of thousands in Europe. Wars started. Famines killed even more people. The face of modern Europe is much the result of the Little Ice Age.

1816 was probably the worst year of it. It was called the year without summer. There was frost in Virginia in August. Crop failure caused famine in Ireland, Wales, and the rest of Europe.

The scientific debate over what caused the Little Ice Age, reduced solar output, shifts in ocean currents, any number of other factors, rages on.

The reason for the year without summer is known. The Little Ice Age got helped out by volcanoes. 1812, 1813, and 1814 all had major volcanic eruptions, scattered around the world, blowing huge volumes of dust into the stratosphere, blocking a lot of sunlight. The dust maxed out in 1815, when Tamboura, in Indonesia, blew it’s top. Around 24 cubic miles of debris, much of it dust, went into the air. The planet’s temperature dropped by almost another degree for a couple of years.

The Little Ice Age and volcanoes, that’s how Hans Brinker won his silver skates.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Cyclical Old Sol

We all know about our sun’s eleven year cycle of spottiness, how it gets spottier and less spotty over an eleven year period. Well, not really an eleven year cycle. The cycle ranges between nine and twelve years, eleven being the average of nine and twelve, approximately. The actual average is ten and a half, so you could round it up to eleven or down to ten. I haven’t a clue why eleven is official. The sunspot cycle was discovered in 1843 by Samuel Heinrich Schwabe. It’s official name is therefore the Schwabe cycle.

I can’t figure out why no one talks about the sun’s other cycles. There’s at least four more.

There’s the Wolf-Gleissberg cycle of about eighty years. The number of sunspots in each eleven year cycle goes up and down in an eighty year cycle.

Then there’s the deVries-Suess cycle of about two hundred years. It is based on increasing and decreasing concentrations of carbon 14 in ice cores and tree rings. Carbon 14 is created from regular old carbon 10 when an atom of carbon 10 gets whacked by a cosmic ray. When the sunspot cycle cycles down really low, and there are very few sunspots, the sun’s magnetic field gets weaker and starts letting more cosmic rays hit the earth. Cosmic rays, by definition, come from the cosmos. You know, way out there somewheres.

The Bray-Hallstatt cycle is about 2,300 years long. It’s existence is inferred by not only carbon 14 measurements, but also by beryllium 10 measurements.

There is a proposed solar cycle that hasn’t been named yet. It’s around 6,000 years long.

So what’s it all mean, you may well ask? Well, when you take all these sunspot cycles, and the implied variations in the sun’s energy output, you get things like the Maunder minimum. What’s the Maunder minimum, you may well ask? It was the last time the cycles ganged up and sunspot activity nearly vanished for 70 years, from 1645 to 1715, about the coldest period in the Little Ice Age.

What’s the Little Ice Age, you might well ask? That’s for me to know and you to find out next week.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here: