Category Archives: Quasi-Hypothesis Quasi-Scientist

My blathering on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast

Krampus Wasn’t Such a Bad Guy Way Back When

Most of us are now familiar with the character of Krampus, Santa’s enforcer. Half man, half goat, male goat at that, since he’s got those two big curvy horns, and he carries a bundle of birch switches with which to beat the naughty children. Sometimes he’s got a leather whip, instead. Sometimes he has an iron chain to beat them with. He rarely has all three, after all, he’s only got two hands. Sometimes he’s got a sack over his shoulder, into which go the particularly naughty, particularly unsalvageable children. These he drowns, eats, or sends straight to Hell.

Krampus is a common companion of St. Nick in Germany, Austria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovenia, South Tyrol and parts of Northern Italy, although he has become popular in much of Europe.

Now me, being essentially a pagan, a Hindu pagan, I get suspicious when I see a Christian tradition that looks like it has pagan underpinnings, but has a sort of nastiness to it.

After all, I demonstrated last January that the image we have of Santa Claus is not based on the presumably historical St. Nicholas, but is directly swiped from the old nordo-germanic god Odin. You’ll have to go watch, or read, my dissertation, “Santa is the King of the Gods”, for details on that.

So, who’s turn was it in the Christian barrel this time? Well, there are many depictions of a horned pagan god, a god of nature. The god has many names, but the main one is the god Pan, a form of Bacchus-Dionysos, the Greco-Roman god of wine and bread. Pan was the form of Bacchus that ruled over the fertility of nature, and was one with the natural world.

The Celtic equivalent was probably Cernunnos, who ruled over nature, and was depicted as a man with horns, usually deer antlers, but still a horned god.

The Egyptians also worshiped a horned god, at the city of Mendes. Mendes was the Greek name for the city. The Egyptian name for their god was Banebdjed, which meant “the soul of Osiris”. Osiris was considered by all the ancient world to be essentially the same god as Bacchus. Banebdjed was also know as the Goat of Mendes, who later Christians associated with Satan, but then the Christians say the everybody else’s depictions of God and the gods are manifestations of the devil.

So, when you go to, or watch on TV, one of the many Krampus festivals in Europe, or one of a dozen or so in the U.S. of A., or watch one of the two or three movies that Krampus stars in, remember that he didn’t start out as a bad guy. It was the Christians that put a cramp on Krampus’ style.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

An Occurrence on Munger Road

Munger Road, somewhat famous as being haunted, is in northern Illinois, about 30 miles west of Lake Michigan. There is even a movie titled “Munger Road”, that is based very loosely on some of the scary stories about the road, that are still told around the area.

My family has its own stories about it that we actually experienced, and they occurred before anybody else thought the road was haunted. I shall proceed to recount one of them.

Back around 35 to 40 years ago, back when the area west of Chicago was mainly small towns surrounded by farmer’s fields, my brother Daryl and I (and no, I don’t have another brother Daryl, so let’s keep the Newhart show out of this) would go out to Munger Road, just to feel how creepy it was. Sometimes we would go at night, sometimes during the day. It could be pretty creepy anytime.

One day, I can’t remember if it was in the early spring or the late fall, other than that the farmer’s field on the east side of the road was brown stubble, and the grass in the forest reserve on the west side was not greening up yet, we parked on the side of the road and walked around a bit.

Daryl wandered up a low hill into the farmer’s field while I examined the water in the roadside ditch. I always look in any body of water I am near, for frogs, bugs, water snakes, or anything biologically interesting.

Daryl suddenly yelled, something like “Oh god, they’re killing them!”, or words to that effect. I stopped ditch delving and ran across the road and up the hill. He was on his knees crying, and mumbling about the burning tipis, the dead women, children, and braves he could see. He said he could smell the smoke from the campfires.

I saw nothing, I smelled nothing, but I heard sounds coming from the west side of the road. I went back over there, and clearly heard musket fire and men yelling in French, but just kind of faintly, more like the tail end of echoes.

There is no record of anything of the sort ever happening there. Munger Road is in DuPage county, which was named after the French trapper DuPage, who had his station on the DuPage river, oddly enough. French voyageurs followed the rivers all over Illinois, but Munger Road is a couple of mile from the nearest rivers, so the Frenchies were unlikely to be there.

Illinois is the Frenchified version of the name of the Illiniwek, or Illini tribal confederation. But, much of northeastern Illinois belonged to the Potawatomi tribe, who were not in the Illini confederation. The Potawatomi did not use tipis. They built dome-shaped wigwams, and rectangular lodges with bark covering called longhouses, so no tipis were there to be burnt.

No tipis, no Frenchmen, therefore no massacre, and no ghosts.

In my experience, and intellectual inclinations, there are non-physical entities, not terribly smart entities, that like to play tricks on humans. I’ve brought them up in previous quasi- theories. They are the Good Folk, the Sidh of the Kelts, the Fairies. They pick up thoughts and ideas from your head and use them to play with you.

My siblings and I were just getting into all things Native American back then. The local fairies grabbed that and ran over us with it.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

 

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Niburu’s at it Again

Most of you are probably aware that the End Times were supposed to start last Saturday, the 23rd of September. David Meade, a self-proclaimed “researcher”, says so. When the 23rd came and went, with no noticeable world wide apocalypse occurring, he said he was misunderstood. The 23rd was just a marker date he had calculated and that there would soon be much more noticeable events, Doom’s Day, for example, starting on October 15th. The planet Niburu will make some sort of pass at the earth, the world’s electrical grid will collapse, and the long awaited seven years of tribulation will begin. Wars, famine, fires, volcanoes, tidal waves, earthquakes. Although how this makes the End Times differ from regular times is beyond me.

Now, as to the complete non-existence of the planet Niburu, I refer you to my quasi-theory from a year ago March, “Two Comets Plus a Hopi Prophecy Do not Equal Doomsday from a Twelfth Planet”. I shan’t rehash poor Niburu again today.

No, what I am going to hash up here is a bit of Meade’s methodology by which he came up with this prediction of his. To wit, he says he is using numerology to get a lot of his numbers and dates. He’s doing numerology on the Bible.

Numerology is bogus, of course, just like most forms of divination. But, it is a modern bastardization of an ancient system of encoding hidden meanings into stories and poems. That system was called, in Greek, gematria.

Briefly, most of the ancient Mediterranean cultures, like Greece and Rome, didn’t use separate symbols for numbers when they did any math. These days we use what we call Arabic numerals, which were actually invented by Hindus in India.

The Mediterraneans simply used their alphabets. You know, like Roman numerals. The Greeks, and Greek was the actual language of the Roman empire, went alpha is one, beta is two, you get the idea.

So, many philosophers and poets back then actually encoded hidden meanings and messages in their writings. The name of a hero, for example, would be spelled in such a way as to, when you added up the numerical equivalent of the letters in the name, it would give you a clue as to the real underlying meaning of the story or poem.

Gematria is actually much more complicated than that. There were rules for taking all these numbers gotten from adding up the letters and then doing some math with them, adding, subtracting, all sorts of little things. If you were initiated into the system, you could hide all sorts of things in your writings, things that could only be figured out by other initates.

I use the words initiate and initiated for reason. Gematria was invented by the founders of the ancient mystery religions, and you had to be initiated into these mysteries to know how to use gematria. The Greco-Roman religion consisted of numerous cults to individual gods. Bacchus, Apollo, Diana, Demeter, Venus, Herakles, et al, all had their cults.

The Christian New Testament was written by people who had been initiated into the mystery religions. It has a lot of things that can be read via gematria, but the gematria has to be done on the Greek text, not on the Latin, English, or whichever, but on the original Greek texts, which we ain’t got no more.

It gets better, or worse, depending on your point of view. No one knows all the real rules for gematria. Some claim to know them, but the initiates into the mysteries never wrote them down.

There is one example of gematria in the Book of Revelations for which the real meaning is known. It is the number 666, the number of the beast.

The Hebrew name of the messiah was Yehoshua. You can certainly spell that in Greek letters, but the authors of the New Testament spelled it as Iesous. That’s iota, eta, sigma, omicron, upsilon. They add up to 888. Pythagoras said that 888 is the number of the perfected human. Therefore Jesus’s name had to add up to 888, he being the only perfect human and all. Pythagoras also said that 666 is the number of the carnal man who lives only to satisfy his lustful urges. Therefrom comes the number of the beast.

So, when someone like Meade starts using numerology, not gematria, on their English Bible to figure out what the gods have in store for us, they might as well pull out a Ouija board, or inspect chicken guts, or maybe throw some yarrow sticks and consult the I Ching. It will be at least as reliable as mixing selected bits of the Old Testament with selected bits of the New Testament and running them over with a rogue planet.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

 

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Like a Moth to a Flame

I was asked by a friend, “So, why are moths attracted to lights? Do they think they are flying to the moon?” The quick answer is, “No”. Why would a moth, or indeed any insect, want to fly to the moon?

That kind of behavior is unwise and bodes ill for the long term existence of your species, especially if your species shows a remarkable lack of certain intellectual skills, skills like the forming of, and testing of, hypotheses. And then converting those hypotheses which have been proven correct, and are therefore proven theories, into actual tools, tools that let you build more tools, and, ultimately, fly to the moon without freezing or suffocating on the way.

No known species of moth has done that, in the same way that no known scientist has actually figured out why moths fly into lights. That’s not to say they haven’t tried. There are a number of hypotheses, but no proven theories.

Some think that, since moths evolved with no artificial light sources around, their navigation systems are screwed up by human light sources. But moths have had lightning bugs, glow worms, wildfires, and volcanoes around and they deal just fine with those, and our yard lights are not that much different.

There is one hypothesis, though, that I am partial to, even though it has some flaws, too, but it does a better job of covering the problem than the others.

The hypothesis is by Philip Callahan. Who, working in the 1970’s as an entomologist with the U.S.D.A., suggested that an insect’s antennae should be looked at as antennae. Antennae as in a radio antenna, and not some sort of buggy equivalent of a nose.

The usual view is that, in moths for example, the male cruises through the air using its rather fluffy antennae to sniff out the pheromone scent trail his mothy lady love has laid out in the breezes before him. The chemical snags on the antennae, which were presumed to have little sockets that fit the shape of the molecule, which in turn sets off the neural signal telling Romeo he is on the track of Juliet.

Callahan, who is much more than an entomologist, looked at the male moth antenna, and wondered what frequency of electromagnetic radiation it could be tuned to. He did the calculations and determined that they should pick up a spectrum of infrared wavelengths.

He got some of the female moth pheromones, put them in a bottle, put a bright light on them, and the male moth wanted to fly at the bottle. Turn it off, and he lost interest. It turns out that the pheromone absorbs light at higher frequencies, especially ultraviolet, and re-emits it as infrared. The male moth is following a trail of light, wafting in the gloaming light of dusk. It could be that many insects do the same.

So, it could well be that the one of the reasons bugs are attracted to lights is that, since all our lights give off some heat, which is infrared radiation, we are telling them to come get some sweet, sweet, lovin’. And then they die.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Dragons

What with The Game of Thrones on HBO, Harry Potter, The Hobbit, and a near endless seeming number of other movies, TV shows, computer games, ad infinitum, dragons are stuck in our popular cultural mind.

Dragons, of course, never existed. There were never any big, scaly lizardy, wingity, fire breathing, gold hoarding, flying snakes with legs, eating stray maidens, or killing the unwary hero.

You can speculate things like, say, Europeans, for example, would find the occasional Nile crocodile had swum across the Mediterranean and cruised into a port in southern Italy, and declared that croc to be a dragon. Nile crocodiles have done that, rarely, but really. Europeans, though, have been traveling to Africa since ancient times and certainly knew what a crocodile was. And it wasn’t a dragon.

Our word dragon comes from the Greek word drakon, which meant serpent, snake, usually a really big one. Most ancient cultures have big snakes in their mythology, sometimes they have legs, sometimes they have wings, lots of times they have more than one head. The Indo-european ones have heroes killing them and getting a prize, usually a fair maiden. Thor killed the Midgard serpent. Hercules killed the Hydra. Indra killed Vritra. Zeus killed Typhon. Jason killed the dragon of Colchis and got the Golden Fleece.

Chinese dragons are a bit different. They fly but have no wings. More importantly, they are wise and beneficent. They associate with the wise and holy, and protect those who are worthy of their aid, bringing them wisdom and good fortune.

So, killing, or otherwise dominating, a western dragon wins you good things. Becoming friends with a Chinese dragon also brings good things.

So, what is a dragon/serpent supposed to mean, mythologically speaking?

Well, myths, like dragons, can be multi-headed beasts. The head I’m going with, for now, is the one that dragons are a symbol for the mind.

The western hero fights for control over the hydra headed mess that is the mind of most of us. Get that dragon under control, and things go better for you. The eastern wise man, also a hero, makes friends with his mind and then that dragon willingly helps him.

Rather than dragging this dragon on forever, I’ll stop here and drag my ass away from my computer.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Questions

There’s a lot of questions I have about almost anything, so I decided I should list some for you. Some are of great relevance to everyone, some have only relevance to a few, some have relevance only to me, and some have absolutely no real relevance to much of anyone, or anything.

I will make no attempt to provide any answers to any of these questions. Indeed, many, if not most of them have no answer. I list them in the order they pop into my head while writing this and, as of this moment, I have not thought of any questions to list. So here goes.

1. Why does a washing machine turn some clothes inside out and not others? Tonight, for example, it turned all my tee shirts inside out. It’s never done that before. That leads me to question number

2. Why does a clothes dryer turn some clothes inside out and not others? Which leads me to number

3. Why does a dryer seem to never turn the clothes that the washing machine turned inside out back to right side out?

4. If fundamentalist Christians are right, and the earth was made in six days, starting on October 23rd, 4004BC, according to Bishop Ussher, why did God make all those fossils, which when dated using the decay rate of various radioactive elements, date back millions of years?

5. Was God just trying to snooker mankind? Maybe trying to test those who believe in the scientific method, the which method has gotten us things like the internet and indoor plumbing?

6. Who was the hardy soul that first ate an oyster? I mean, have you looked closely at a naked, shell-less oyster? They look, and taste, like a gob of particularly lumpy snot. And that person convinced other people to eat them, too.

7. What does that say about the general gullibility of mankind? I have no answer, but ask you to recall question number four.

8. If theoretical physicists are correct, and time does not really exist, why do I remember yesterday and not tomorrow?

9. If three dimensional space is equally illusory, why am I here and not over there somewhere? There’s lots of over there’s where I’d rather be, but here I am.

10. If ancient theories about solar eclipses are right, and a big invisible sky dragon eats the sun, doesn’t that mean that the sun, when it reappears, is now dragon poop?

Which leads me to the last question, perhaps the most important one, for which I have no answer, why are you people listening to me?

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJqk1-OJniQ&ab_channel=JeffreyKelley

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Lighten Up With Levitation

Good old Elon Musk has been making news lately with his hyper loop high speed transportation idea. It’s not like he actually invented the idea, though. The idea for running a magnetic levitation train through a vacuum tunnel has been around a long time, decades at least. Maglev transportation was talked about in the early 1900’s. Before 1950, anyways.

You can also levitate stuff with sound, light, air, electrostatics, electromagnetism, both diamagnetically and electrodynamically, or, if you just want to levitate really tiny things, you can just use the Casimir force.

But that’s all proper sciencey levitation. Anybody can do that kind. The other kind needs special skills, occult skills.

Take walking on water, for example. Liquid water, not the frozen kind. You’re not sinking so you must be levitating. We all know Jesus did it, but he was a late comer to it. Pythagoras and the Buddha did it a good 500 years before the son of god got around to pulling it off. Jesus presumably used god power, but how did the other two get away with it? Well, Pythagoras was said to be the son of Zeus and the Hindus say Buddha was an incarnation of their god Vishnu, so I’d say they used the same propulsion methods that Jesus did.

Then there’s yogic levitation. You can learn it at the Maharishi School in Fairfield, Iowa. That’s only $1895 for an eight day course, which includes learning the basic Transcendental Meditation© technique, but does not include room and board. The school was founded by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, guru to the Beatles and the Moody Blues, among others. You can watch videos demonstrating their yogic flying abilities on YouTube. They look like they are bouncing on their butts in lotus posture, but who am I to judge?

Levitation used to be popular among Roman Catholic saints. St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals, merchants, and, more recently, ecology, was frequently seen suspended above the earth, often to a height of three or four cubits. St. Alphonsus Liguori, when preaching at Foggia, was lifted before the eyes of the whole congregation several feet from the ground. St. Teresa of Avila claimed to have floated up about a foot and a half while in prayer, but nobody saw her do it. She’s a saint, so we have to believe her.

Catholic saints have slacked off in the levitating department in recent centuries, although the recently sainted, lately departed, Padre Pio is said to have been seen floating about. He could bilocate, too, but then he did have stigmata. That’s bleeding holes in his hands and feet from identifying with the crucified Christ and not be be confused with astigmatism. I have astigmatism and it just makes me wear glasses. I also have presbyopia, which makes my glasses bifocals, and has little to do with Presbyterians.

I’m going to leave off here. We needn’t sully religiously induced levitation with demonically produced flitting about, ala Linda Blair. That would be levitatious and I wouldn’t want to introduce levity into such a serious topic.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here: