Monthly Archives: October 2016

Goblins: Their Habits and Haunts

From Wikipedia, the source we can all quote from and not get sued:

A goblin is a monstrous creature from European folklore, first attested in stories from the Middle Ages. They are ascribed various and conflicting abilities, temperaments and appearances depending on the story and country of origin. They are almost always small and grotesque, mischievous or outright evil, and greedy, especially for gold and jewelry. They often have magical abilities similar to a fairy or demon. Similar creatures include brownies, dwarves, gnomes, imps, and kobolds.

Whoever wrote this obviously has no real experience with goblins. For that, we must go to primary sources. These sources do not include J. R. R. Tolkien. Tolkien used the term “goblin” in The Hobbit. He later wished that he had used the word “orc”, which is not the same creature as a goblin.

No, we need to go to someone who has accurately described goblin behavior and appearances. That would be James Whitcomb Riley. He’s been dead long enough that I may quote him liberally, like unto Wikipedia, with no ensuing legal consequences.

So here goes:

Little Orphant Annie

Little Orphant Annie’s come to our house to stay,

An’ wash the cups an’ saucers up, an’ brush the crumbs away,

An’ shoo the chickens off the porch, an’ dust the hearth, an’ sweep,

An’ make the fire, an’ bake the bread, an’ earn her board-an-keep;

An’ all us other childern, when the supper-things is done,

We set around the kitchen fire an’ has the mostest fun,

A-listenin’ to the witch-tales ‘at Annie tells about,

An’ the Gobble-uns ‘at gits you

Ef you




Wunst they wuz a little boy wouldn’t say his prayers, –

An’ when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,

His Mammy heerd him holler, an’ his Daddy heerd him bawl,

An’ when they turn’t the kivvers down, he wuzn’t there at all!

An’ they seeked him in the rafter-room, an’ cubby-hole, an’ press,

An seeked him up the chimbly-flue, an’ ever’-wheres, I guess;

But all they ever found wuz thist his pants an’ roundabout: –

An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you

Ef you




An’ one time a little girl ‘ud allus laugh an’ grin,

An’ make fun of ever’ one, an’ all her blood-an’-kin;

An’ wunst, when they was “company,” an’ ole folks wuz there,

She mocked ’em an’ shocked ’em, an’ said she didn’t care!

An’ thist as she kicked her heels, an’ turn’t to run an’ hide,

They wuz two great big Black Things a-standin’ by her side,

An’ they snatched her through the ceilin’ ‘for she knowed what she’s about!

An’ the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you

Ef you




An’ little Orphant Annie says, when the blaze is blue,

An’ the lamp-wick sputters, an’ the wind goes woo-oo!

An’ you hear the crickets quit, an’ the moon is gray,

An’ the lightnin’bugs in dew is all squenched away, –

You better mind yer parunts, an’ yer teachurs fond an’ dear,

An’ cherish them ‘at loves you, an’ dry the orphant’s tear,

An’ he’p the pore an’ needy ones ‘at clusters all about,

Er the Gobble-uns ‘ll git you

Ef you




From my own experience, you can catch one in a properly baited snare, utilizing locally caught, free range, naughty children. They have a nice pelt and they taste like chicken. The goblins, that is. Don’t eat the children. You can sell their left over bits to the wicked witch down the street, thereby destroying the evidence.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

Scientific Evidence That Bigfoot is not a Gigantopithecus

Grover Kranz was the first to propose that Sasquatches are descendants of some species of Gigantopithecus.

There are three known species of Gigantopithecus: blacki, bilaspurensis, and giganteus. Bilaspurensis fossils have been found in India. Giganteus fossils are from north India and western China. Blacki is the youngest of the species and fossils are from eastern China. Gigantopithecus blacki is therefore the culprit most likely to have been able to cross over the Bering Straits land bridge, since its youngest fossils are from about 100,000 years ago, and lowered sea levels from glaciation would have exposed the land bridge. Lots of different animal species did likewise, and migrated between the North American continent, and Asia, in both directions. Camelids, such as camels and llamas, evolved in North America, and scooted to Asia via that land bridge, for example.

Gigantopithecus blacki’s diet is known to have been fibrous plants, consisting of leaves and various grasses, especially bamboo. Bamboo seems to have been its favorite food, based on analyses of plant debris ground into the teeth that have been found.

An interesting sidenote: Gigantopithecus teeth were first identified by an anthropologist. They were found in 1935 by Ralph von Koenigswald in an apothecary shop in China. They were being sold as dragon teeth.

Now, relative to the scientific evidence that Bigfoot is not a kind of Gigantopithecus. The evidence comes from an experiment I have been conducting for quite some time.

Regular viewers of the Squatcher’s Lounge podcast will recall that I came to the aid of the Reverend Jeff and Mr. Batdorf, pseudoscientist, back in August, when Mr. Batdorf suddenly had the urge to wed his longtime female companion, and therefore was unable to uphold his end of that week’s podcast. We all hope, and presume, that, contrary to rumors, shotguns were not involved in inducing the marriage proposal.

But I digress.

In that podcast, I demonstrated that, contrary to rational thinking, there are indeed occasional Bigfoot sightings in the general Chicago area, some even within a mile or two of my house. Parenthetically, the name Chicago translates to smelly, or skunk, onions in the language of the Miami-Illini peoples who lived here, so maybe what we have here are skunk apes.

But again, I digress.

Based on the fondness of Gigantopithecines for bamboo, and the occasional nearness of Bigfoot to my house, I planted hardy bamboo around my house. I now have the largest patch of bamboo that I have knowledge of for several miles around. It has been here for almost 10 years now.

After ten years, I have found no evidence of any Bigfoot feeding on that bamboo. Nary a footprint, odd looking hairs, nary a gifting, nor portal, nor portal demons, have left any trace, physical, psychic, or otherwise.

I can confidently therefore announce that Bigfoot is not any kind of Gigantopithecus.

I have caught a couple three pandas, though. They have a nice pelt and taste like chicken.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast: