Tag Archives: sasquatch

I Feel Like I’m Going Blind or All About Orbs

Okay, not really blind, but you try looking at pictures of so-called orbs for half an hour or so, and not get bleary eyed.

Orbs and Sasquatch, orbs and aliens, orbs and ghosts, orbs and nature spirits, orbs, orbs, orbs! You don’t seem them with your eyeballs, but they show up in your pictures. Nobody much reported them showing up in photographs until digital cameras got cheap and abundant.

People, orbs are back scattered light from your digital camera’s flash. They happen especially when the flash is close to the lens, as in cheap digital cameras and your cell phone. The flash bounces off small things floating in the air near your camera’s lens, things like dust particles, tiny water droplets, even small insects with glossy wings.

It doesn’t even have to be light from a camera flash. If you have a light on your video camera, infrared light on your infrared video cam, even ambient light from a fire or passing car, that light can bounce off dust and give you a moving orb.

Technically, the reflected light passes through your camera’s lens and creates what is called an Airy disk, named after George Biddell Airy. Airy wrote the technical analysis of what causes the Airy disk effect back in 1835. They are caused by internal refraction in a lens of light from a point source. If your light source is sufficiently tiny and uniform, you get a point of light in the center of the disk, with several concentric circles of light expanding around it. Airy disks were first observed in early telescopes, when astronomers were looking at individual stars.

How fondly I recall the many hours I spent, using the Airy disk effect to align the lenses in my old catadioptric telescope. You knew you got it right when the star was smack dab in the middle of the Airy disks.

Now, why don’t all those orbs in all those pictures, if the orbs are Airy disks, show a little point of light with rings around it? That’s because dust, bugs, and what all, aren’t perfect little reflectors, aren’t perfect little point sources of light. Also, your cheap camera lens probably sucks and has flaws in it, especially if it’s on your cell phone.

On the other hand, if you see orbs floating around with your eyeballs, and they don’t show up in your pictures, you don’t have Airy disks. What you’ve got is spooks. Run. Run fast.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

The Woo Hypothesis

There has been a lot of discussion, off and on, more on than off lately, about Sasquatch and portals, Sasquatch and cloaking, and Sasquatch associated with other paranormal phenomena. Many of us in the Bigfoot community are using the term “woo”, when discussing this sort thing.

Now, I am, by my nature, not argumentative. I always assume, as a working hypothesis, that people who have observed, and reported, Sasquatch engaging in paranormal activities, or woo, are not lying about their observations, until proven otherwise.

Allow me to interject here that I think that there are almost certainly several species of unidentified, upright walking apes, related to all us other apes, running about the planet.

I will now present my hypothesis concerning areas where Sasquatch have been exhibiting “woo”. The hypothesis is: these places have a bad case of the fairies.

Yes, fairies, beings like the sylphs, naiads, and dryads of Greek mythology, the lower order devas of Hinduism, or the Djinn of Arabia. Sometimes, these days, they are called nature spirits. The Celts called them the Good Folk, the Gentry, the sidhe, as in the bann sidhe and pict sidhe. Or, more specifically in this case, pookas, the shape shifting fairy of Irish legend. Pookas lead people astray, as is illustrated in the stage play Harvey.

Elwood P. Dowd, the lead character in Harvey, is led astray from his successful career in the world of banking after he encounters Harvey, a six foot three and a half inch tall upright walking rabbit. Harvey talks Elwood into leaving banking and, instead, spending his day socializing with the lower classes in a local bar. Certain recent revelations, coming from the woo side of Bigfootery, suggest that American pookas are practicing their guile on this continent right now.

Every older culture, all over the world, has stories about non-physical entities that can delude humans and, sometimes, manifest a see-able form, make audible noises, produce smell-able odors, induce emotions in the observer, and generally make things go bump in the night.

John Keel proposed that such entities are hostile to humans and come from some other dimension, with naughty intentions. I think they are perfectly natural entities that occasionally like to flabbergast us. The form they assume is taken from our minds and the current surrounding culture, as are their actions. Which is why much of what they do is inexplicable.

I, personally, have occasionally run into some of these buggers, a subject which I have elaborated upon in other quasi-theories.

Now, where do these creatures come from? I think they come from wherever sub-atomic particles pop out from and disappear back to, where photons that are quantum entangled talk to each other. They come from a higher order Riemannian phase space, of which our world is a multiply connected subset, in other words, the Astral plane.

That said, any of these beings that have time to waste dorking about with us humans are of a low order and not very bright. Some of them are quite territorial and radiate anger and hostility. I chased one around in a basement of an old house once. They back off when confronted.

They don’t do portals, as such, but they can sure make you see one, along with demons, guardian ewoks, appear as mind speaking Forest People, or what have you.

So, in conclusion, if the Bigfoot you are seeing comes from a portal, that ain’t a Bigfoot, it’s a bloody fairy!

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:





Why We Don’t See the Squatch in Front of Our Nose or Ya Can’t See the Trees with All That Forest in the Way

The Reverend Jeff suggested I do a quasi on why we can’t see things that are physically there, like, maybe, a Sasquatch hiding behind a bush that is too small for it to hide behind. I quote him, “How about a quasi on what the mind sees it doesn’t really see. It only sees what it wants to and why many Bigfoot go unnoticed as the brain can’t acknowledge what it sees.”

I Googled about for a good half an hour and found no evidence to support his theory, at least not in terms of actually not visually seeing an object because you don’t believe that type of object exists. Humans are pretty good at not recognizing social conditions they think don’t exist, as in, not recognizing that people born poor simply don’t have the same opportunities as people born middle class. But physical objects are not blocked by disbelief.

You might interpret something you see to be something else, like the mommy who sees her beautiful baby, while onlookers wonder where she got the ugly little ape from.

No, you don’t see the Squatch squatting behind the too small shrubbery for the same reason you got hit by a car while texting while crossing the street. Your attention was elsewhere.

Your attention is rather like your eyesight. The only thing in clear focus is in the central part of your total field of view. The stuff off to the side gets fuzzier and, when you get to the edges, it’s almost not visible.

Or think about hearing things. If you are watching TV, and the action has really got your attention, and your significant other is asking you to let the dog out, do hear them right away? Not until they yell at you and get right up in your face does your attention turn to what they are saying.

So, you’re strolling through the forest and it’s cold, or it’s hot, or the bugs are biting, or the trail is rough, or you’re listening for wood knocks and whoops, or prints, or oddly stacked broken branches, just when you pass that almost obvious Sasquatch. If it doesn’t jump up and go “Oogah-boogah”, you’ll probably just waltz right on by. You weren’t paying attention.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

A Squatcher’s Mantra

I have been asked by the Right Reverend Jeffrey Kelley, and several other members of the Squatcher’s Lounge, to devise a mantra for those searching for the elusive beast, that a repetition of which would help to calm them in their frequent mental typhoons over all things Squatchy.

A small subcommittee of the Lounge has insisted that I be their guru, presumably due to my long, white hair and beard. It must be the hair and beard since there is no other rational reason that I am aware of.

What, exactly, does the word mantra mean? Mantra is a Sanskrit word, dating back to well before 1000 BCE. It is derived from the Sanskrit word manas, which means to think, and also means mind as such. The English word man is derived from the same root. The second syllable, tra, means tool. Mantra therefore means tool to think by. In practice, a mantra is used to focus the mind and enable it to focus on the object of the mantra. More broadly, as the great Tantric scholar Sir John Woodroffe wrote, “Mantra in its most basal sense is the World viewed as—and in its aspect of—sound.” Explaining that statement would be an essay in itself, and not really amenable to a quasification by me.

The mantra most familiar to many of us is the Sanskrit word om. If you have been to any typical yoga class, and the class ended by sitting in the lotus posture for a few minutes, trying to calm down after sticking your feet behind your head, or done the downward facing dog, while the teacher walks behind you, obviously looking at everybody’s butt, you probably ended the meditation by chanting om.

Although a mantra is usually in Sanskrit, typically a few words that are chanted repeatedly, the basic idea is the same as repeating “Hail Mary’s”, or “Our Father’s”, is to Catholics. It quiets your mind so that you may become receptive to higher forces.

Applying the concept of mantra to finding Bigfoot seems more than a bit woo to me, but here goes.

I constructed a seven word mantra that, once you learn it, can easily be expanded to encompass more verses. I made it seven words long because, as everyone knows, seven is a lucky number. The first three words mean “come by here”, and are from the African American creole language of the South Carolina coastal islands. The meaning of the next two will be obvious, as will be the way it is chanted.

The mantra should be repeated loudly, for as long as you are out hunting our forest friends. A silent mental repetition should be used if the presence of bears or cougars is suspected. Wolves would suspect you of being a lost pack member and call back in response, so you’d be safe from them.

I shall now reveal to you the mantra. Listen with devotion and an open heart. Feel free to join in, once you have it memorized.

Kum ba ya, my Squatch, kum ba ya.

Kum ba ya, my Squatch, kum ba ya.

Kum ba ya, my Squatch, kum ba ya.

Oh Squatch, kum ba ya.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:



Scientific Evidence That Bigfoot is not a Gigantopithecus

Grover Kranz was the first to propose that Sasquatches are descendants of some species of Gigantopithecus.

There are three known species of Gigantopithecus: blacki, bilaspurensis, and giganteus. Bilaspurensis fossils have been found in India. Giganteus fossils are from north India and western China. Blacki is the youngest of the species and fossils are from eastern China. Gigantopithecus blacki is therefore the culprit most likely to have been able to cross over the Bering Straits land bridge, since its youngest fossils are from about 100,000 years ago, and lowered sea levels from glaciation would have exposed the land bridge. Lots of different animal species did likewise, and migrated between the North American continent, and Asia, in both directions. Camelids, such as camels and llamas, evolved in North America, and scooted to Asia via that land bridge, for example.

Gigantopithecus blacki’s diet is known to have been fibrous plants, consisting of leaves and various grasses, especially bamboo. Bamboo seems to have been its favorite food, based on analyses of plant debris ground into the teeth that have been found.

An interesting sidenote: Gigantopithecus teeth were first identified by an anthropologist. They were found in 1935 by Ralph von Koenigswald in an apothecary shop in China. They were being sold as dragon teeth.

Now, relative to the scientific evidence that Bigfoot is not a kind of Gigantopithecus. The evidence comes from an experiment I have been conducting for quite some time.

Regular viewers of the Squatcher’s Lounge podcast will recall that I came to the aid of the Reverend Jeff and Mr. Batdorf, pseudoscientist, back in August, when Mr. Batdorf suddenly had the urge to wed his longtime female companion, and therefore was unable to uphold his end of that week’s podcast. We all hope, and presume, that, contrary to rumors, shotguns were not involved in inducing the marriage proposal.

But I digress.

In that podcast, I demonstrated that, contrary to rational thinking, there are indeed occasional Bigfoot sightings in the general Chicago area, some even within a mile or two of my house. Parenthetically, the name Chicago translates to smelly, or skunk, onions in the language of the Miami-Illini peoples who lived here, so maybe what we have here are skunk apes.

But again, I digress.

Based on the fondness of Gigantopithecines for bamboo, and the occasional nearness of Bigfoot to my house, I planted hardy bamboo around my house. I now have the largest patch of bamboo that I have knowledge of for several miles around. It has been here for almost 10 years now.

After ten years, I have found no evidence of any Bigfoot feeding on that bamboo. Nary a footprint, odd looking hairs, nary a gifting, nor portal, nor portal demons, have left any trace, physical, psychic, or otherwise.

I can confidently therefore announce that Bigfoot is not any kind of Gigantopithecus.

I have caught a couple three pandas, though. They have a nice pelt and taste like chicken.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast: