Grover Kranz was the first to propose that Sasquatches are descendants of some species of Gigantopithecus.

There are three known species of Gigantopithecus: blacki, bilaspurensis, and giganteus. Bilaspurensis fossils have been found in India. Giganteus fossils are from north India and western China. Blacki is the youngest of the species and fossils are from eastern China. Gigantopithecus blacki is therefore the culprit most likely to have been able to cross over the Bering Straits land bridge, since its youngest fossils are from about 100,000 years ago, and lowered sea levels from glaciation would have exposed the land bridge. Lots of different animal species did likewise, and migrated between the North American continent, and Asia, in both directions. Camelids, such as camels and llamas, evolved in North America, and scooted to Asia via that land bridge, for example.

Gigantopithecus blacki’s diet is known to have been fibrous plants, consisting of leaves and various grasses, especially bamboo. Bamboo seems to have been its favorite food, based on analyses of plant debris ground into the teeth that have been found.

An interesting sidenote: Gigantopithecus teeth were first identified by an anthropologist. They were found in 1935 by Ralph von Koenigswald in an apothecary shop in China. They were being sold as dragon teeth.

Now, relative to the scientific evidence that Bigfoot is not a kind of Gigantopithecus. The evidence comes from an experiment I have been conducting for quite some time.

Regular viewers of the Squatcher’s Lounge podcast will recall that I came to the aid of the Reverend Jeff and Mr. Batdorf, pseudoscientist, back in August, when Mr. Batdorf suddenly had the urge to wed his longtime female companion, and therefore was unable to uphold his end of that week’s podcast. We all hope, and presume, that, contrary to rumors, shotguns were not involved in inducing the marriage proposal.

But I digress.

In that podcast, I demonstrated that, contrary to rational thinking, there are indeed occasional Bigfoot sightings in the general Chicago area, some even within a mile or two of my house. Parenthetically, the name Chicago translates to smelly, or skunk, onions in the language of the Miami-Illini peoples who lived here, so maybe what we have here are skunk apes.

But again, I digress.

Based on the fondness of Gigantopithecines for bamboo, and the occasional nearness of Bigfoot to my house, I planted hardy bamboo around my house. I now have the largest patch of bamboo that I have knowledge of for several miles around. It has been here for almost 10 years now.

After ten years, I have found no evidence of any Bigfoot feeding on that bamboo. Nary a footprint, odd looking hairs, nary a gifting, nor portal, nor portal demons, have left any trace, physical, psychic, or otherwise.

I can confidently therefore announce that Bigfoot is not any kind of Gigantopithecus.

I have caught a couple three pandas, though. They have a nice pelt and taste like chicken.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast: