Category Archives: Quasi-Hypothesis Quasi-Scientist

My blathering on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast

More About Astral Hells

Because my theory concerning the afterlife possibilities for money grubbing televangelists and similar hucksters went over so well last week, this week I’ll list some of the astral hells the Buddhists believe in. I have swiped most of the list from Wikipedia’s entry on Buddhist hells, so there’s your necessary attribution. Wikipedia swiped it from various other sources, so what the hell, here goes.

The primary source is the Dīrghāgama, a Buddhist sutra, from the “Chapter on Hell”, within that sutra.

The generic Hindu and Buddhist name for hell is naraka, which means hells. The Hindu hells all have individual names and tortures which vary from sect to sect, but they’re pretty much like the Buddhist ones.

The first major Buddhist hell is called Thoughts. The second is called Black Rope. The third is called Crushing. The fourth is called Moaning. The fifth is called Great Moaning. The sixth is called Burning. The seventh is called Great Burning. The eighth is called Unremitting.

The Hell of Thoughts itself contains sixteen smaller hells. The smaller hells are 500 square yojana in area, or a little over 500 square miles. The first small hell is called Black Sand. The second small hell is called Boiling Excrement. The third is called Five Hundred Nails. The fourth is called Hunger. The fifth is called Thirst. The sixth is called Single Copper Cauldron. The seventh is called Many Copper Cauldrons. The eighth is called Stone Pestle. The ninth is called Pus and Blood. The tenth is called Measuring Fire. The eleventh is called Ash River. The twelfth is called Iron Pellets. The thirteenth is called Axes and Hatchets. The fourteenth is called Jackals and Wolves. The fifteenth is called Sword Cuts. The sixteenth is called Cold and Ice.

The names of these hells are pretty descriptive. I leave it to your imagination to further illustrate what goes on in them. Remember, these sixteen are just the sub list of hells in the Hell of Thoughts. The other seven hells have their own sub hells, too. But, since Wikipedia didn’t quote the Dīrghāgama on them, I won’t either.

Most of the sinning I do is bad thoughts, which is true of most humans as well. There just aren’t enough hours in a day to put all our thoughts into deeds.

Originally presented on The Squatchers Lounge Podcast:

Hucksters and Hell

A friend of mine sent an email to me with a video for me to watch and comment on. The video is of an investigative reporter examining the lifestyles of televangelists, Christian televangelists, to be precise. If any of you out there are fans of televangelists, well then consider the rest of this to be what I think to be the fate of whatever huckster lives a very large and lavish lifestyle by conning poor folks out of their money. On the other hand, the following somewhat continues on my last theory, offered several weeks ago, concerning twelve spheres and the influence of them on our lives, only with a different set of spheres and no geometry.

While I do not believe in any thing like eternal damnation, I am quite sure there are what the Hindus and Buddhists call astral hells, where particularly bad people can spend time after shuffling off this mortal coil. What a pleasant Shakespearean metaphor for kicking the bucket!

The astral world, which in Sanskrit is called “anda”and means sphere, is a higher order sphere than our earth. It is where our lower emotions and desires originate. There’s way more to the astral world than that, but that’s all you need to know for now. That it is a real thing is illustrated, I believe, by all those itsy-bitsy particles experimental nuclear physicists detect popping out of nowhere and then popping back to nowhere. They’re popping in and out of the astral plane.

When stripped of the physical body at death, the conscious attention of your self moves into your astral body. You are technically always in your astral body, but your attention is focused in your physical body. The physical body actually dampens down the intensity of our desires and emotions. Those who are consumed by lust for physical things, money, food, sex, or what have you, build up an immense sort of force, that then burns in them intensely when they pass over, because they are unable to satisfy these physical passions. The force eventually exhausts itself and they move upwards, to a yet somewhat higher sphere, until they reincarnate.

Hopefully the experience of burning in an astral hell purifies the hucksters enough that they won’t pull the same bullshit in their next life. They will, of course, owe great wads of compensatory karma to all those they duped. They won’t remember what they did here, or what happened when they died, but the sort of seed impressions of it remain with their spirit.

The general structure of a reincarnating being is: body, soul, and spirit, or sarke, psyche, and pneuma, in Greek. That’s pneuma as in pneumatic or pneumonia. You die from the body, then die from the soul, but the karmic impressions are remembered or stored in the pneuma or spirit. When you reincarnate, a new psyche or soul is made, which then receives a new sarke, or physical body, so you don’t normally remember past lives. New soul and body combos are made based on your previous screw ups and/or good deeds, as per the spec sheet for your new incarnation, the specifications whereof are worked out between you and the Norns, the three goddesses who wove threads of fate for the old Norse peoples, the three Morai, the weaver goddesses of ancient Greece, who wove the cloth of your destiny, or the karma devas of Hinduism, who do pretty much the same thing.

Once again, it’s that simple.

Originally presented on The Squatchers Lounge Podcast:


For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Beach Balls


What’s the Big Deal About 12?

Summer is coming and a lot of us will head to the beach. Beaches imply beach balls. When you go to buy your beach ball this year, which you will need to do because last year’s will inevitably leak when you try to blow it up this year, buy a baker’s dozen of them.

Yup, thirteen, because you will then be able to demonstrate to yourself, the kids, and everyone else at the beach, exactly why there are twelve signs in the zodiac.

Take those beach balls and blow them up, but not so much that they are tightly inflated. Then get the wife, kids, and maybe some other beach goers to help you put one ball in the middle and the other twelve around it, so that each ball is touching the one in the middle. Now mush them together a bit more tightly. If you squint down between the 12 outer balls, you can just make out that the one in the middle has become a Platonic solid, specifically, a dodecahedron.

The dodecahedron has twelve sides. Each side is a pentagon with equal sides and angles. Of the five Platonic solids, the dodecahedron was the highest. It represented the cosmos, the beautiful order of the universe. Aristotle later claimed that it represented the ether, but then there were other members of Plato’s academy who claimed that Plato would say, when Aristotle would enter a discussion, “Here comes the ass.”

Now Plato also said that he came up with nothing really new and he’s right. He did not invent beach balls, for example. He did say, though, that the universe was organized and influenced by demons.

In Greek, that word was pronounced “daimones”, which meant intelligent influences, much like the theoi, or gods. They were not evil as such, but were lower emanations from the creative source of the cosmos, which the Greeks called the logos, or reason.

The later Christians, who applied the word pagan to all the older religions, converted the word daimones to mean something evil. But then the word pagan originally meant something like, hillbillies, bumpkin, and local yokel. Christians are so disrespectful to us pagans.

So some of these daimones had spheres of influence which moved with seasons, and therefore could be kept track of. The cosmos being twelve sided, there had to be twelve main influences. You can’t easily keep track of twelve spheres sliding around in the sky, not with just paper and pencil, or clay and stylus, as the case maybe, so they invented the zodiac. It’s a circle. It is very easy to divide a circle into twelve pie shaped segments using only a compass, and then chart you’re zodiacal observations and calculations onto your astrological pie chart.

There you go then. Twelve as a basic number of the universe. Throw in the fives sides of the pentagon and five times twelve equals sixty. Sixty minutes, sixty seconds, three hundred sixty degrees. It’s that simple.

This has been Dean Cooper, quasi-scientist, enlightening you with my quasi-theory of the week.

Originally presented on The Squatchers Lounge Podcast

Two Comets Plus a Hopi Prophecy Do not Equal Doomsday from a Twelfth Planet

So, two comets are visible in the night sky this past week. This occurrence has resulted in an over stimulation of the residual gray matter left in the skulls of Zecharia Sitchin fans. These poor souls believe that ancient aliens roamed our planet early in human history, mucking about with our DNA, building pyramids for us, and generally edumacating us in all skills useful in becoming civilized.

I have seen any number of posts, sharings, news alerts, and what have you, declaring that a Hopi tribal prophecy says that when two comets appear in the sky at the same time, the planet Niburu will begin its return to the inner solar system, Niburu being the twelfth planet that Sitchin declared to be the home planet of our alien masters. The Annunaki will thenceforth wreak havoc upon us.

It is well known that Sitchin pulled his theory out of his butt. It is also known that the Hopi’s knew nothing of a twelfth planet, let alone one named Niburu.

Which brings me to the whole Niburu being the home planet of the Annunaki aliens concept.

Niburu is an ancient Sumerian word. It is one of the many names of the Sumerian sun god, Marduk. Sun god, as in the god of the sun. Not the god of an unknown planet out there in the Kuiper belt, but the sun around which earth orbits, you know, that big bright shiny thingy up in the sky that causes what we scientists call day time.

The Annunaki are the Sumerian pantheon of gods, of whom Nibiru was one. Annunaki is a compound word. Anu is the god of the heavens. Ki is the goddess of the earth. The Annunaki are, collectively, the gods of heaven and earth. The Sumero-Babylonian mythology is essential the same as the mythology of the Egyptians, Greeks, and Celts, and it is very comparable to Hindu and Zoroastrian mythology. None of these ancient peoples thought of their gods as physical beings, alien or not.

As the great mythologist, Joseph Campbell wrote:

Fortunately, it will not be necessary to argue that Greek, Celtic or Germanic myths were mythological. The peoples themselves knew they were myths…”

Sitchin, von Daniken, and all their ancient alien silliness, is becoming a sort of modern mythology. The difference between now and way back then, is that the ancient mythologies actual make sense, when you know how to understand them. And they are to be understood as myths. The ancient gods had no interest in anal probes, and they needed no saucers to fly about in.

This has been Dean Cooper, quasi-scientist, enlightening you with my quasi-theory of the week.

Originally presented on The Squatchers Lounge Podcast

Ah, Easter!

Easter surely scoots about, calendar-wise.

The reason is obvious: it is always on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of spring. Not expecting that were you? The key to it is in the name Easter itself.

The name came into English from an old Germanic goddess named Eostre, the goddess of the dawn. Her holiday was celebrated at the spring equinox, when the path of the sun, or the ecliptic, crosses the celestial equator, and the length of day and night are equal. She was also the goddess of fertility, therefore eggs, bunnies, and lambs were associated with her. She is cognate with the other Mediterranean fertility and love goddesses like Astarte, Ishtar, and Aphrodite, who were all considered aspects of the one mother goddess. There’s some scholarly arguments about all this, but I’m the quasi-scientist around here and this is my quasi-theory.

Now, how do we get from the equinox to the correct Sunday for Easter and what does it have to do with the moon and what all?

Many forms of the mother goddess had sons and the father was usually a sun god and the son was equated with the father. Many of these sons of gods died, and resurrected, for the sake of their followers, and they did it on, or near, the spring equinox. The path of the solar ecliptic and the celestial equator make an x where they cross, both in the spring and fall. These various sons of god, many of whom were crucified, died, in the spring, at the point when the sun is at the center of that big x mark in the sky, the big cross in the sky. Having your son of a sun god resurrect on a Sunday is highly appropriate. Most of these goddess mothers of a son of god were moon goddesses, so you had to get the moon involved, and the full moon has been associated with regrowth and fertility in many cultures.

On the other hand, officially, Easter Sunday is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of spring because the bishops at the Council of Nicea voted to make it so in 325 AD. On the third hand, that council was ruled over by the Emperor Constantine, who had a hard time distinguishing Jesus from Solus Invictus, the form of the Persian god Mithras that he previously worshiped. Go figure.

Originally presented on The Squatchers Lounge Podcast:

Some Observations On My Beard

A recent preliminary study has found that men’s beards, when allowed to grow to at least an inch or two, grow a species of bacteria, Staphylococcus epidermidis, that has anti-bacterial properties, possibly even against the dreaded Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, or MRSA bacteria.

This has induced me to examine my own beard. I have not the facilities for proper bacterial culture, so I limited myself to visual observations. Here are my conclusions:

Firstly: It is almost all white, but there are a few dark brown and a few gray ones left.

Secondly: it is not as long as it looks. The longest individual whisker I could find is about 6” long, it is at the bottom of my chin. I had allowed all of them to grow as long as they wanted to, a couple of years ago, but I had to stop that experiment when they reached ZZ Top length and would get stuck in my armpit when I rolled over in my sleep.

Thirdly: here’s a fact that is little known among those who can’t or haven’t grown a beard: yanking on a whisker is like yanking on a pubic hair. They have large roots and it can hurt like the devil. Getting my beard caught in my armpit would literally yank me awake. Whence forth its current length.

Fourthly: not all whiskers grow to the same length. For example, the little inverted triangle just under the lower lip, the ones the hipsters grow these days. Those grow to only a couple of inches long and rarely need trimming. The ones on the upper lip seem to want to grow forever, and mine want to grow straight, forming a classic soup strainer. I therefore trim them short.

Fifthly: having a longer white beard, coupled with long white hair, will get one mistaken for a number of other people. Santa Claus, of course, or a wizard. I have heard background comments, when out in public, of a fat Gandalf being in the area, or a Hogwarts professor. I prefer to be thought of, by Terry Pratchett cognoscenti, as being employed at the Unseen University, where all us wizards never actually practice magic much, due to the widespread destruction that occurs when we fight. Pogonophobes would be justified in their fear.

Boy, I enjoy being obscure.

The Junkroom Part 2: The Ghostly Doggie

Last week I told you about the real haunted house my family lived in for a few years and the small second floor bedroom that my siblings and I kept our horde of toys in. We called that room the junk room, because that’s what it usually looked like. I also mentioned the larger bedroom on the same floor, where my next younger brother and I slept. My bed was at the end of the bedroom away from the door. My brother’s was, obviously, next to the door. The junk room was down a short hallway to the right, maybe fifteen feet away from our bedroom door. The stairs down to the first floor were immediately to the left of our door. The stairs to the basement were under that staircase. The basement door had a hook and loop lock that we always used at night because the basement door to the outside was a classic, old farmhouse, slanted cellar door, that could be easily broken into. Our dad worked nights and my mom feared burglars.

One night, around two in the morning, I was woken by the sound of the junk room door opening, which, as I said last week, we kids kept locked from the outside. I heard the sound of a large dog, German Shepard size or larger, walk from the junk room in the bedroom, its toes tapping heavily as it walked. We had no such pet dog. We had a Toy Manchester Terrier which is a Chihuahua sized little black dog.

This big dog, toes a-tapping, went straight to my brother’s bed and sniffed at him loudly. He did not wake up. I then heard it circling tightly for a few seconds and then lie down. I was petrified, not the least because there was a large, oval rug right where it somehow tapped its toes before laying down.

It lay there for about twenty minutes, then got up and went down the stairs, toes still tapping away. It then went down the basement stairs. The stairs to the second floor were fully carpeted, yet those toes tapped. It went down the basement stairs though the basement door was locked.

A few minutes later I got cautiously out of bed and looked at the junk room door. It was closed and locked. I carefully went down the stairs, woke my mother to see if she’d heard anything like a big dog walking around. She had heard nothing and our little dog was sleeping at her feet, under the blankets. I went to the basement door, unlocked it, turned the lights on, looked down the stairs, saw no dog, turned the lights off, closed the door and locked it. No way in hell was I going down those stairs and check for stray ghostly doggies.

Re-shared on 6/7/2017 in the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:


For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

More on the Portals and Woo

The subject of Sasquatch using portals has lately returned to the Squatcher’s Lounge. Having given this much thought, and having discussed this a bit with some of my fellow Lounge members, I will expound a bit further on this subject, mainly in the form of questions.

We will assume, as a working hypothesis, that, according to theoretical physicists, the universe may well be actually a multiverse, with multiple individual universes existing alongside ours in parallel dimensions, with the physical laws of those universes differing substantially from ours. I will ignore the theories of multiple time lines for this dissertation.

Now, if some aliens in another universe figure out how to open a portal to our universe, there’s some serious problems they face.

Firstly, they have to be able to identify a universe that has laws identical to theirs, or they will die when crossing the portal, or be transformed into the gods know what.

Secondly, they must be able to identify a planet that has essentially the same atmospheric composition as theirs, nearly the same gravity, and maybe even be able to detect that there is no, say T. rex equivalent that has an ability to detect the opening of a portal.

In other words, they have to have an extremely high level of technology, and the level of civilization that that implies, to safely open a portal and pass through, with a reasonable expectation of getting back home alive and well. That means they must be highly intelligent.

The argument that these aliens are portalling about from within our own universe has the same flaw as my second point.

Here’s the glitch: None of the reports of anything coming and going through portals describe the entities involved as exhibiting any technology at all. At least not the Sasquatch related reports, anyways.

This pretty much leaves what we have come to term ‘woo’, as the preferred method of portalling about, not counting it all being fantasy and lies. If they are real, these portals must then be some sort of psychic power? Something inducing an illusion in the minds of the observers?

As I pointed out in my first quasi-theory on this subject, almost all cultures that have much of a history, have folk legends of very similar occurrences and entities, from the fairies, gnomes, and elves of the Celtic peoples, to the bhuts of India and the Djinn of Islam. Many an Irish laddie and lassie have been led into the fairy mountain, to come back with wondrous tales.

Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast Wherein You May Hear This

My Digital Sneakers and my Refrigerator are Plotting Against Me

I just finished watching a show covering the 2016 Consumer Electronics Show out in Vegas. I found it disconcerting, to say the least.
Forget your fears of Skynet and T1000’s coming for you. Focus your paranoia on that which you will soon use every day. There are now at least three brands of digital sneakers, one of which can tighten or loosen its own laces, two of which have HD displays, yes HDTV on your shoes, and two of which have foot warmers, all of which Bluetooth to your phone. Your phone can Bluetooth to your computer. Your new digital refrigerator can Wi-Fi to your TV, which can Wi-Fi to your phone, which can Bluetooth to your electric blanket, which can talk to your sneakers.
Your Japanese digitally controlled toilet, which can spray wash your butt and genitals, will then blow dry, no pun intended, those areas, and is controlled by Bluetoothing to your phone. The heating, air conditioning, door locks, and burglar alarm in your house talk to your computer with Wi-Fi and your computer talks to your phone about how things are going, home-wise.
This is a shortened list of all the potentially digitally connectable items that are available now, or in a year or two. They are all talking to each other more and more.

Soon, if you piss off your refrigerator your toilet may not dry your butt. Anger your microwave and your refrigerator will only order gluten free vegan food from Peapod. Or, maybe worst of all, annoy your phone and it will tighten the bejesus out of your shoelaces, give you a hotfoot, and then program the video displays on those sneakers to show all the porn, in full HD, you’ve had Siri search for.

Skynet and the T1000 would, mercifully, only kill you.

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:

For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here:

Father Time is in de Nile

It is a few days into the New Year, so I thought I would examine two metaphors for time. The first is well known: Old Father Time himself. The image of Father Time, the old man wielding a scythe, stems from ancient Greece and Rome, where Chronos, the god of time, was depicted almost identically. Chronos used the scythe to cut the balls off his father, Ouranus, who was the god of the heavens. In Rome, Chronos was known as Saturn while his father was Uranus. The jokes make themselves. I leave it to you, dear listeners, to parse one out.

The meaning of the Old Man Time metaphor is obvious: Time cuts down all things. The meaning of the Chronos and Ouranus metaphor is less direct: Chronos made sure that Ouranus would have no more children, and therefore had no real future.

The other metaphor for time is much more modern, and a bit less obvious to notice. It is the crocodile in Peter Pan, the one that swallowed a clock. Smee, Captain Hook’s first mate, says, “Someday, the clock will run down, and then he’ll get you.” As he’ll get us all, in the end.

And I’ll end this quasi theory with a bit of doggerel I have written.

Father Time’s in De Nile

Each day grows a little worse,
I proclaim in ragged verse.
Father Time’s a crocodile:
We’ll all disappear behind his smile.
Behind our eyes, the questions spin:
They’ll all go away, beyond his grin.

— Bhai Din

First shared on the Squatcher’s Lounge Podcast:


For the reading impaired, an audio version of this quasi theory may be found here: